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So time to move on?

Hahaha! I may have moved my blog(after constant complaints of not being able to comment on posts from mainly wordpress bloggers!) but I still can’t move on from the question titles. For just over a year, I’ve posted on One Day, Baby?, which was my blog that dealt with my five miscarriages, being genetically wonky and the start of our journey towards using PGD to get our one day baby. I’ve also decided to create a new blog as the content in here could be triggering for those still trying to become pregnant.

So, we ended up not going to that appointment with the geneticist to start the IVF because on the 15th of May 2014, I peed on a stick and it instaneously came up with a big fat positive. For most people, this is a moment of joy but for someone with repeat pregnancy loss, your first thought is, “Here we go again.” A text message to Paul with a picture of the pregnancy test and “Oh shit” followed before I went to sit in a blurry staff meeting.

The first pee stick. No denying that blue line, it's stronger than the control line!

The first pee stick. No denying that blue line, it’s stronger than the control line!

Paul was understandably worried about me. I’d barely dragged my ass through the past 18months and here we were again. For some reason, from the start he felt this was it and we would get a baby from it. I thought I hid it well but apparently I threw him a death stare when he said this! Too many people had said that they had every faith in another one of my pregnancies and they didn’t make it so when husband number one says something, I wanted to strangle him!

I felt a little sick, extraordinarily tired and my boobs felt like they were about to explode so I did some maths and worked out that I would be coming up to 5 weeks so I peed on a clever stick the following weekend to make sure that my dates were matching and it wasn’t a chemical.

 

 

Yup, them dates match nicely!

Yup, them dates match nicely!

They did. Very nicely. I was looking for a three week plus sign and there it was! So I tried to carry on as normal- I rang the following week to book an appointment for the half term holidays to see the GP and ask them for a scan at the EPU later in the week as I would be around 7weeks on the Friday. Paul wasn’t able to come and so Kat stepped in and held my hand as I shook and panicked. So many faces of the staff had I seen before. This time there was a heartbeat.

Blob measuring 6 weeks and 6 days.

Blob measuring 6 weeks and 6 days.

I can’t really describe the relief of seeing that first ever heartbeat. I knew I wasn’t out of the woods by any stretch but the moment I saw that tiny flickering light, there was a sliver of hope that I’d never felt before. This hope lasted for another week and a half, in fact, right to the middle of my school’s OFSTED inspection. I woke up at 3am and went for my middle of the night pee and as I wiped, there was blood. I sat there and sobbed for a good half an hour. Paul hadn’t come to bed that night-he was dozing in the other bedroom and I felt guilty trying to wake him up so I lay awake chatting to the girls on twitter who were doing their best to calm me down as I worried about my sixth loss. I went to work and was promptly sent home again by a very caring Head and Deputy who wanted me checked out so I rang the GP from the back of the taxi. He wasn’t exactly the most caring or understanding GP but allowed me to have another scan the following day. Paul still remained calm and positive even though I felt as though I was falling apart. He said that he’d never seen me so frightened as she scanned me again. She couldn’t find the reason for the bleed and baby’s heart was still beating away!

Blob at the 9 week mark

Blob at the 9 week mark

After the drama of the ninth week, I ended up seeing so many landmark dates that I had never met before- I got to meet a midwife- who, poor lady, had to start writing my notes up in her lunch break as my medical notes were so extensive! I got my pregnancy notes and Bounty pack- something I have never managed to reach before.

Maternity notes and freebies! I was only brave enough to put the hand gel in my bag- Max has since eaten the sudocrem pack...

Maternity notes and freebies! I was only brave enough to put the hand gel in my bag- Max has since eaten the sudocrem pack…

After I had my midwifery appointment, I thought maybe it would be time t try and find out through a blood test whether my pregnancy would be genetically viable as after all, that was what had caused so many losses before. On ringing the clinic that offered it, I found out that they couldn’t do the test on me due to my wonky genes so I rang Guys to postpone my appointment for PGD and ask them what I should do next. They advised not going for my dating and nuchal at my local hospital and to come to St Thomas’ instead who could also do a CVS. A CVS is where they suck up some of the placenta through a big needle that they stick in your belly and they test it for genetic abnormalities. I started to freak out big time around the time of the weekend before the scan and CVS. Anyway, I had to get a dress for my cousin’s wedding and had a terrible time trying to find one as non-maternity wasn’t quite right and maternity was too big! I was also a little superstitious about buying maternity before my 12 week scan. Be awful if I had to take it back a week later. I ended up in Monsoon looking for something to cover my arms and fell in love with a dress which was utterly perfect. As I walked out of the dressing room, Paul’s and my first dance song was playing and then on the way home, I saw the most beautiful rainbow across the road from where we live.

A little ray of hope!

A little ray of hope!

The day crept closer. I became more anxious. In fact, I didn’t want to go home after work on the Monday night. The next day arrived. As we came out of Westminster station, Big Ben began to chime which reminded me of being a child and my dad driving me into London to hear the peals before bedtime. We then made a slow walk into the hospital and up to the eighth floor where we sat in a claustrophobic waiting room where I sobbed and almost vomited whilst all the other mums-to-be sat there grinning and serene. Within a couple of minutes, we went to through to the doctor and the nurse who would undertake my scan and CVS. It was a big room with a lot of big screens and monitors- I was shaking like a leaf and she then started scanning me. That heartbeat? Yep, it was still there throbbing away and I got to hear it! Nuchal translucency came back at 1.6mm and when anything up to 3mm is fine, I was pretty happy with that! I then had the CVS- I’m not going to lie to you- it hurts like a bitch! They numb your skin but the needle doesn’t just go into the skin-it also goes through your stomach wall and into your uterus. They don’t numb those bits! I had to have it twice as the first sample wasn’t enough so for the past two weeks I’ve had a mofo bruise on my tummy! Two days later, I got the all clear genetically. I have no words to describe that moment other than it catapulted us into a scary situation that this Blob might make it to being a baby.

Blob at 12 weeks. It's blurry as I was giggling and blob was dancing on the screen!

Blob at 12 weeks. It’s blurry as I was giggling and blob was dancing on the screen!

So where am I now? In my second trimester and about to go and see an obstetrician to check that there is nothing else going on. I’m still terrified. I still check the toilet tissue every single loo trip. I am waiting to lose the baby on a daily basis because how come I’ve got this far and the others didn’t? It’s also mega scary without many symptoms. I’m also in a weird place as people are treating it like there should be a baby in January and I’m still very scared that there won’t be.There’s this weirdness of saying, “Oh this time next year…” and as soon as I catch myself saying it, I want to cut my tongue off as I fear I’ve cursed it all.

Silly, I know!

 

 

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