This post will be potentially triggering as it has a scan photo.
So, I’m halfway through now. In fact, I am 20 weeks plus 1 day today so I am actually slightly over halfway! The other day I caught my reflection side on in the one mirror we have in our house as I was washing my hands in the bathroom. Already my body has changed a lot- my boobs ARE FREAKING GINORMOUS and my belly is now bigger than them! It’s all hard too and I love poking it- Paul wondered today if it’s a bit like tapping on the side of an aquarium… I know it’s pretty noisy in there but in these weeks, Blob’s hearing is really developing so hopefully it won’t be too scared by Paul’s and my taps!
In the past three days, we’ve hit a few landmarks: the anomaly scan, allowing people to start buying things and Paul feeling movement.
Firstly, I didn’t retch before the scan! There was a bit of drama surrounding it as it was meant to be Wednesday this week but I received a letter on last Wednesday asking me to come in the first week back of school. I had a mini breakdown, as is my wont, and begged the ultrasound team to try and fit me in before I went back to school. I knew I wouldn’t manage to last that long not knowing what was going on in there. The kicks and the growing bump are lovely but it’s better to see that it doesn’t have eight limbs and that the heart is still beating. Anyway, the first lady I spoke to said the number was wrong on the letter and gave me the extension number to ring and so ring, I did. Something like 36 times before I got through (yes, I am one of those). They were very apologetic for moving me-the issue being a lack of sonographers for anomalies next week and asked if I could do two days time on Friday at 2pm. *Insert holy crap face* I asked if it was ok to have it done before I was 20 weeks and of course it was! I then had to jump on the phone to Paul to ask him to come with me and let my mum and my mother in law know that everything had moved forward.
Friday morning arrived in super quick fashion as they always do. I had tutoring at 10 which broke up the panic and then went in search of food for Paul’s and my lunch. We took the bus over to the QE and our bums had just hit the chairs after I got one of those stamp things to have a scan photo (felt like I was tempting fate even though when I sit down I get beaten up from the inside!) when my name was called. I didn’t get seen in the normal ultrasound bit. No, I got taken to EPU… And of all the places to be seen, it was the same room that I had been told that my fourth pregnancy was not viable. I kept thinking there had to be some kind of irony in this and tried to be grateful for Blob, who was kicking away, ignoring the nagging ache deep in my throat. On top of this, we had the WORST SONOGRAPHER ON THIS PLANET. Ok she wasn’t quite that bad but my goodness, she could do with some training on how to speak to people! She ummed and ahhed her way through the scan, every now and then deigning to tell us what we were seeing on the screen(even though it was bloody obvious!) She then went the other side of the curtain where once I had sobbed and wailed whilst Paul just held me, and did the calculations on a computer, hmmmed again and then came back around saying, “I need to do another scan.” Didn’t tell us what for (I think it was to see the second kidney as Blob had decided to go to sleep and refused to move enough to get a clear view). then I was told to dress myself and come and sit down. No idea at the time if things were good or bad! Anyway, she finally said that everything was fine and that I was measuring dead on for my EDD so all systems go for the 11th of January!
That was the gloomy side of Friday. Actually, it was pretty fucking amazing. Blob is no longer a Blob, it is definitely a baby. Not a puppy, a baby (sorry Max!). It was a real mini human with a clear rib cage, four atria to its heart, two hemispheres to its brain, a straight spine with clear vertebrae, bones in its arms and legs, tiny feet and hands and the best thing, it had a face. Two huge eyes, a tiny snub nose, pouty lips and a pointy chin. Our baby has a face! All the losses were faceless but this one has a face. Probably way too early to tell but I think it was Paul’s nose and my chin! It’s nice imagining these things even if it’s not exactly based on fact!
Oh and Blob is possibly a girl! They weren’t sure as its legs were crossed but the sonographer had a guess as Blob being a girl. Here he, she, it is:
So anomaly ticked off even if my alien didn’t exactly co-operate with us in regards to the sex, everything is the right shape and size and doing the things it should so go Blob go!
We then shared the news with our parents- everyone was over the moon and then came the question… Can I start buying things? I answered yes, even though the loss part of my brain was screaming, “NO NO NO! Take your baby home wrapped in hospital towels and don’t have anything baby related in the house until after the birth!” The thing is, there is no such thing as jinxes. Shit goes wrong but jinxes are not real. After all, I have had Asda baby socks thanks to the Bounty pack since I was about 13 weeks. Now I have the tiniest baby hat, a sleeping bag and a bunny with a comforter. They’re on my bedside table still in the wrapping and the bag as I don’t want black fur all over them! So my mum has started things rolling. It feels right. I have told people that we are possibly having a girl and even our possible name choices- I wasn’t going to as I have such strong feelings about constantly dressing small children and babies in gendered clothing but everything about this pregnancy has been about celebrating each tiny step Blob and I have managed to make together. That’s why I decided to tell people as soon as I had the results from the CVS.
As for the third bit of excitement. Last night when we got home from my mum’s, Blob was getting its rave on in my tummy and Paul put his hands where I said the movement was happening and he felt Blob kick! Think I sort of ruined a romantic, sweet movement by trying to high five Paul! I think it’s all becoming quite real for him with Blob looking like a human and now kicking him. There might just be a baby in January!